The Vincent Archives
by Everyday Glory
Summary: Everyone's favorite stoic is finally recognized for the great guy he is. A ceremony showing moments of Vincent's life is underway...but where's Vincent?


[Y'KNOW WHAT! I OWN ALL THE RIGHTS TO THIS! HA! No, seriously though, I own nothing mentioned within the confines of this story. All of it's trademarked to it's owners, blah blah blah. I'm not gonna waste any more of your time (if you're reading this though, you have too much free time). Anyway, enjoy! ...or not....GAH! I need an advil...]  
  
  
  
  
  
At first, we see, as always, a roll of simple, unnecessary credits, drifting lazily  
  
across the screen. Of course, these credits aren't in english, nor any other understandable language, but in gibberish. As words like "flook-a-guh- boo-luu" and "cerk-twer-ta-ginga" fade away, the black of the screen lifts, to show a theater. Not a movie theater, but one of those kinds they perform broadway shows on...y'know...those crappy-ass things. Anyway, the theater is packed to the brim with people of all cultures. For example: Mogs, WEAPONS (...uhm...really...tiny ones...), Maians, Skedar, Moomba, Tyrants, Nemesis and his lady friend Nemeses, Koopas, Goombas, Megaman, Zero, Roll, and numerous other famous people and creatures who I'm too damn lazy to mention. The excited buzz of chatter fills the entire room as they wait patiently for the host to show up and start the show.  
  
Then, suddenly, the crimson curtain shielding most of the stage from view begins to lift up slowly...and slowly...and slowly...and-- aw, hell with this! I've got a special FX budget! Ahem, as the curtain begins to rise, it disappears in a flash to reveal a young man with messy black hair and light gray eyes, wearing a tuxedo like all the other males in the theater. He is surprised, to say the least, at the sudden disappearance of the curtain, as he hurriedly wipes wipes drool from his mouth, and struggles to fit the porn magazine he was just reading in his pocket.  
  
"Well," the young man begins, smiling with a slight blush, "what a...er...nice turn-out for tonight. Ahem, well, to start off with the...uhm...stuff, I guess I should introduce myself. Ahem, my name is Ashire Valentine...but just call me 'Sexy' for the time being..." A few of the...erm...beings present chuckled appreciatively (the Moombas squeaked), but most just sat there, blinking.  
  
Sweatdropping, Ash continued, "Erm...all kidding aside, tonight there will be a special veiwing of choice events in everyone's favorite stoic's life..." Giving himself a few seconds recovery from that torrent of tawdry tongue-twisting, Ash directs the audience's attention to the screen to the left of him, which magically appeared out of thin air (ahh, the wonders of cutting the fat...).  
  
"Vincent Valentine," Ash began again, "has, in some way or another touched our lives, and that's why he has a police record. But, of course, I'm sure that most of us can agree that while he appearance was rather captivating, his lines touched the heart. With speaking parts such as, '...', and of course, 'Hmph...', Vincent's subtle logic has more truth to it than your high school girlfriend." (I'm not bitter about anything...hmph...) "So let us honor our guest by giving him a wonderful round of applause! Vincent Valentine everyone!"  
  
The whole auditorium filled with the sound of applause as a spot light lit the entrance to stage left. Ash, clapping along with everyone else, begins to sweat slightly as he hears the applause slowly dying away, and Vincent nowhere to be seen. "Uhm...Vincent Valentine everybody!"  
  
Now, sweating profusely, Ash looks offstage at one of the stage directors, who's looking back at Ash, shrugging. "Um...," Ash began, "its appears we are having slight difficulties with our guest of honor. While I'm sure it's nothing serious, we will...postpone the viewing of Vincen'ts life for a few short moments while we find out whats wrong. Until then...uhm...enjoy the comic antics of Pauly Shore!" Ash runs offstage as Pauly Shore, his bad coimc routine so thick you can smell it, comes onto stage, only to be immediately hit with numerous rounds from the BFG 9000's the guests recieved upon entrance (...it doesn't need to make sense...and besides, who cares? SHORE IS DEAD! YAY!)  
  
The camera crew, intrigued, follows Ash backstage, where he is stopped in front of a room, pouding on the door. "VINCENT! Vincent, get out of there! C'mon, we got a show to do! You're the guest of honor!" yells Ash through the door, trying to get Vincent in some way to at least open it. Finally, after a few more minutes of pounding, the door opens, but's it's not Vincent standing there. Selphie Tilmitt from FF8 "fame" is standing there, and behind her, is unmistakibly the women's restroom.  
  
"OH, GEEZ!" exclaimed Selphie as she left the bathroom. "Can't anybody wait five minutes to go to the bathroo--...HEY! You're a guy! And...a camera crew? OH, MY GOD! Sick!...yet oddly intriguing. C'MON! C'MON! C'MON! I'm sure I'll be able to do it again! You sure there's enough film in there?"  
  
Fighting the urge to vomit, Ash turned tail and ran like hell away from Selphie, the camera crew following close behind. Running down the hall, Ash read the signs on the door, trying to find the right room this time. Finally, after five more minutes of searching, As and Co. skidded to a stop in front of the Vincent's room, the door slightly ajar. Ash, taking a deep breath and stepping forward, knocked on the door softly, opening it a few more inches. "Vincent? You in here?" Poking his head through the crack in the door, Ash looked around the room.  
  
It was lit by dull, red and black lamps, and was easily one of the smaller rooms in the theater. Vincent wanted it small, saying all he need was room enough to atone for his sins. Apart from the lamps, the only other thing inside the room was Vincent's trademark coffin, the lid leaning against the wall, and coffin itself, empty. Scratching his head bemusedly, Ash gazed around the tiny room, noticing the open window. "Ah, shit," Ash hissed, running over to the window and looking out of it.  
  
"Um, Ash Sir?" one of the crew members spoke up. "The audience's already killed Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Martha Stewart, and they're trying to get Phil Collins up there....I think they're getting restless..."  
  
"Well what the hell am I supposed to do?!" Ash yelled indignantly. "Vincent's not here! I think Selphie was coming on to us! I've got this damn rash! What the hell should I do?!"  
  
"Well...you could just...y'know...show the movies without Vincent...," the cameraman replied.  
  
"Oh...yeah...," Ash said, much calmer now. "Sure, he's not here and all, but while the movies are showing, I could look for him. Good idea!"  
  
The cameraman face broke into a broad smile.  
  
"Oh," Ash began, "you're coming too."  
  
The cameraman facefaulted, then picked himself back up, looking dejected, but nodding.  
  
"Well, might as well go back to the auditorium," said Ash. Stretching his arms, he snapped his fingers, and in a swirl of color, Ash and Co. appeared back at the spots in the theater. Opening his mouth as he began to speak, he quickly closed it and ducked as a serious of pulse fireballs screamed past the area where his head just was.  
  
"Calm down people!" Ash pleaded. "Now, I know you all are growing slightly restless, so we are going to start the movies. Yes, without Vincent. While the movies are commencing, I will be out looking for him. However, I will leave you with (a series of...they're all gonna die) replacement host while I'm looking. Now, sit back and enjoy~!" And ending with that note, Ash flicked a tiny switch behind the screen, and suddenly, the entrance to a movie began to play.  
  
Walking offstage, and grabbing the cameramen, Ash began to head towards the exit, cursing Vincent under his breath. "Um, sir?" the cameraman piped up.  
  
"What?" said Ash, distracted.  
  
"Um...could ya let go of my crotch?" the cameraman said, his voice starting to rise slightly.  
  
"WHAT?!" spinning around, Ash noticed that the cameraman (hereafter called...Earl) was opening and closing his mouth, his eyes watering with pain. "Oh...," said Ash, "Uhm...sorry...heh-heh..."  
  
"S'okay," said Earl, his voice high. "Just...don't do it again..."  
  
Bigsweating, Ash nodded, "Yeah...sorry..."  
  
And...we fade...to black....  
  
[Well, there it is. The beginning of "The Vincent Chronicles". Was it what you expected? While, of course, the whole series isn't based about the search for Vincent, in the next installment, I'll be "showing" the first movie of Vincent's life, then after that, we'll go to the search, then the movie, then the search, then...well...you get the point. Well, I'll leave you with a small preview of the first installment of the Vincent Movies until I get the actualy thing written. Enjoy!]  
  
Preview:  
  
Vincent's Life Movies  
  
"Attack of the Gay Clouds"  
  
"While not entirely dangerous to all," the tv announcer was saying, "the recent wave of gay Clouds are ,however, searching for a man named Vincent Valentine. Mr. Valentine if you are watching this, be prepared...and afraid....While he won't hurt anyone he will, however, horrify you with a nude version of 'Riverdance', mixed with a piece from the movie 'Deliverance'. Hide your children, and don't drop the soap...the Gay Clouds are out there."  
  
Sighing, Vincent turned off the television, and turned to the window, a small group of gay Cloud clones already heading towards him. "Simply marevlous...," said Vincent, pinching the bridge of his nose. "This isn't going to be a...normal day...." 


End file.
